Selfishly Loving Yourself
Selfishness. Some people are good at it while others…not so much. I am still learning that being selfish can be healing. Being selfish does not always mean you are uncaring (however, it is a very fine line), rather it can mean that you have the ability to balance; balance your needs and the needs of those around you. It can become even more of a challenge when you are caring for a loved one, so how can you balance your own needs and theirs?
Listen to your body. We are not miracle workers and we can only do but so much. When you start to feel exhausted, rest. Let your loved one know, trust me, they want you to take care of yourself also. I was going through old text messages that I sent my mom and I found one where I told her I was going to take a nap, but she should call me if she needed me. It’s 2019, a cellphone is like a call-bell, in instances like those use it as one. If we don’t take care of our bodies we can not fully be there for our loved ones.
Remove negativity and toxicity from your environments (burn that sage!). This is also another huge challenge. This can mean removing a person from your life or trying to dismantle a way of thinking. It’s not easy, but in the long run, the benefits pay off. Surround yourself with positivity, write affirmations on your mirror, download apps that send positive notifications to your phone. Learn to meditate, listen to your breathing, breathe out negative and breathe in positive. My mom would often say “Let go and Let God” meaning to put my worries and burdens down if there was nothing I could do about and let my faith handle it. For those who aren’t faithful or subscribe to that ideology, try writing down negative thoughts on a piece of paper and burning it. The visual alone can help alleviate any heaviness you associate with whatever it is you may have written down on that paper.
Ask for help. If you are anything like me, this is hard to do. Actually, this whole list is hard to do, but that’s why I’m writing it because we think we are alone in our needs and we really aren’t. Anyways, as much as we may think people are mind-readers, they are not. We have to ask for what we want. If it’s a cooked meal because we are too tired to stand in the kitchen, or if it’s asking them to sit with our loved while we do whatever it is we need to do…ASK. Never let it be said that you did not ask for help, because TRUST me people will be quick to throw that back at you. Humbling yourself is caring for yourself.
Cry. Let it all out. It is such a relief. Cry in public, cry in private. Wherever it hits you just cry. It is hard when the ones we relied upon for their strength, turn to us to become their strength. My mom had cried before me previously, but her crying during her battle was different. I don’t remember it as a cry of hopelessness because through it all we never lost hope, but it was a different cry. She needed me and I felt it in her sorrow. It was hard for me not to cry when she cried, but I knew at that moment she needed my strength. But trust me, there were many, many, many times I cried after. I cried in my bedroom, in my car, in the hospital bathroom. And it was a release, it allowed me to get back to her and be the strength she needed and deserved. So cry, it does help.
Talk it out. Find a friend, someone who will listen to you without judging you, without offering advice. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, nothing more, nothing less. If you knew anything about the relationship myself and my mother had, you knew that we talked EVERY DAY, multiple times a day. When people call me now and tell me that my voicemail is full, it’s because I have so many voicemails from my mother. We were each other’s sounding board. So when she became sick, and she knew she had to reserve her strength, she told me that it was imperative I find someone to talk to you. That’s when I found my therapist. It wasn’t easy, the first therapist I found was HORRIBLE. But I got lucky on my second go and found an amazing woman, a woman who looks like me and understands my experiences.
Being selfish is not easy but ultimately, if we put it into practice responsibly, we will be thankful for it. It is all a learning process, but it’s important to make time for yourself. Disconnect for a while. Nourish your soul, protect your well-being and your heart. It is not selfish, it is self-care and self-preservation.