Here Come The Holidays...
Thanksgiving 2017 was two days before my mom’s funeral. I honestly don’t remember the details of it. I remember my aunt saying we still needed to do something, mommy would want that. But I don’t have any actual memory of it. Christmas was exactly one month after her funeral. My sister and I put up the tree a week before Christmas day, we did it because mommy would have wanted us to do it and she definitely wouldn’t want us moping around. I remember we laughed, we played music and we laughed. It was all surreal.
The holidays in 2018 surprisingly felt lighter. I cooked and I baked. There was still an absence and if you had the honor of knowing my mother you know what absence I’m talking about. My mom was THE LIFE, her laugh, the loudest and the longest. She was witty and her sense of humor was untouchable. But we did our best, as our family gatherings get smaller and smaller, to enjoy one another’s company.
This year though, this year has been rough. Thanksgiving didn’t feel like anything special to me. I found myself feeling jealous, jealous that other people had their mom around. Resentful that people have moms but aren’t cherishing time with their moms. I felt tired, emotionally drained from putting on fake smiles and if I could have, I would have stayed in bed on Thanksgiving to be quite honest. I’m hoping that Christmas is a bit more cheerful. For the first time in all of eternity, we have the tree up more than a week before Christmas day and my 31-year old sister has kindly provided us with her Christmas list. So we’re trying!
I’m realizing that just because more time passes doesn’t mean it will get easier. Every year stands on its own and I’ll have to face whatever comes with it. I will continue to go through this holiday season learning how to navigate without my mom around. I take time to remove myself and self-check, to breathe deep and collect my thoughts. Sometimes it isn’t about being by yourself, some find comfort in being around others if you know someone who may be struggling call them, talk to them, don’t wait for them to reach out. If you’re grieving, try to start or continue a tradition in memory of your loved one. I’m a firm believer that they continue to live through us and traditions can keep their memory alive. As time passes, it may not get any easier, but we can incorporate certain practices into our lives (not only during the holidays but every day) that serve as a source to lighten the load.